Hilarious children

My kids say funny things - most kids do - and I write them on the calendar whenever I can. Sometimes I forget. This is the last two years worth - they're 9 and almost 6 right now. Be warned, they are my children, so eating and farting are favorite subjects.

February 2010

Audrey “Advice is something you don’t have to listen to if you don’t want to.”

Claire “I don’t wike dowympics.” (I don’t like the Olympics)

November 2010

Claire “I love you daddy. You know what else I love? Chihuahuas.”

Claire “I love you, mommy. And chocolate. And sea lions.”

Claire “Chinese muffins” (English)

Claire after discovering her own piggy bank “Look at all my money papers!”

Claire at dinner “Can you please deserve me some?”

Mark to Audrey (bedtime story) “There was a pregnant fairy…” Audrey “Good one!”

Claire getting her nose blown “Maybe you need a flashlight because it’s so dark in our noses.”

December 2010

Claire “Daddy, I want to be a rock star but I don’t know how to rock.”

Claire “Is it openable?”

Claire “I think I’m having a growth spurt.”

Claire and Audrey “Eggloos” (igloos)

Audrey realizing she’s too tall to lay down in the tub “I’m taller than the bathtub.”

Audrey “I’m better at flicking now. Sometimes I flick my own head.”

January 2011

Claire sitting on the toilet trying to poop “I’ll just squeeze my head, and it will come out.”

Claire speaking for Mr. Potato head “Don’t kill me!”

Claire at dinner “I smelled it and it didn’t taste good.”

Claire for bedtime prayers “Bless the world to get better.”

Audrey at dinner “I just bit my plate on accident.”

Claire after getting her hair brushed “Can you bald me?”

Claire “Smell my fart. It’s burrito.”

Claire “The earth is my favorite planet in the whole world.”

February 2011

Claire at breakfast “You’re an egg so you need to be bloody. I’m talking to my egg. Now I’m going to eat you.”

Melissa to Claire “Man, you really need to clean your room.” Claire to Melissa “Man, I really don’t want to.”

March 2011

Claire at breakfast “I’m a great egger cutter.”

Claire after a kiss from daddy “Ew, too whiskery.”

Claire “I was surprised. Amazed and shocked.”

Claire to Mark “Don’t look at my boobies.”

Claire to someone in the family “Your hair feels like plastic.”

Audrey “We could talk sheep.”

April 2011

Claire trying to remember the word “Valentine’s” “…the loving day.. . the heart day…”

Claire “Mom can you please make me a paper-gami?”

Claire  about a woman we saw at Costco. “Wow. She looks really old.”

Claire “There’s a slip ‘n’ slide, I mean, slip inside, my dress.”

Claire on the taste of beets “It’s too parenty.”

May 2011

Claire to Nanie after a little tickling “Nanie! You are making me pee!”

Claire to Melissa (quietly) “I can’t wait until YOU go to bed.”

Claire “I bet Laura Ingalls didn’t have this much work.”

Claire after seeing chalk drawings in the street and asking how the kids could do that. I told her their parents must have let them. “I hope they don’t mind runover kids.”

Claire “Clean, Audrey, clean!”

June 2011

Claire at bedtime “You know what the boringest thing in the world is? Going to bed!”

Ortencia “Courtesan chips” (artisan)

July 2011

Claire, loudly, about the cashier at the grocery store “Wow. He’s fat!”

August 2011

Claire to Melissa “You are going to break my bed.”

Claire “I have a new way of sleeping. With my eyes open.”

Claire “Now Perfuming. I mean, Performing.”

Claire “Who needs to go potty? I do.”

September 2011

Mark to Claire “Did you wipe off my kiss?” Claire to Mark “Just the slime.”

Audrey “Something smells like lemon merengue. I guess it was my fart.”

Audrey “Once I wasted a whole recess going poop.”

Claire “anudder” (another)

Melissa to Claire “I won’t kiss you if you lick me.” Claire to Melissa “I’ll lick you if you don’t kiss me.”

October 2011

Audrey “I don’t care. I’ll eat anything off the floor.”

Claire “I just had a bacon hiccup.”

Claire “Yay, dad’s mowing his whiskers.”

Melissa “There are many reasons I don’t like waffles.”

Claire “I was born to be funny.”

Melissa “Sometimes I hate Oprah.”

Claire trick or treating “Next house, here I come!”

November 2011

Audrey “All the really strong people I know have tattoos.”

Claire “I think these pajammies are too small for my head and just right for my neck.”

Audrey “Daddy, will you draw me a picture of a baby?” Mark “Yes.” Audrey “Thanks, don’t mess it up.”

Claire “We used to have towels and now we have rags.”

Claire “Aren’t I a hungry lover?”

December 2011

Audrey to Mark “Who were you shopping for?” Mark “Me.” Claire “But you can’t tell yourself what you want!”

January 2012

Claire to Audrey “You know what I do in your underwear? I forget I’m wearing them.” Audrey to Claire “I think you should think about not peeing your pants in my underwear.”

Claire to Mark “You’re a really great daddy, even when you make rubbery pancakes.”

February 2012 nothing

March 2012 nothing

April 2012

Claire “April Foolers day.”

Audrey “Did you ever try to make up your own letter? I do.”

Claire to Mark about his new shoes “I think you look like a farmer in those shoes.” Mark “Why?” Claire “Because of the old fashioned part.”

Audrey after a series of vomiting incidents at school “I don’t know why, but I seem to be right there when people throw up.”

Claire “I found all kinds of things in my shoes from our nature walk.”

Claire “I’m not a poop wiper yet, but I am a pee.”

May 2012

Melissa to Claire (trying to make up a joke) “What did the cat say to the chicken?” Claire (trying to make up a punch line) “You’re my breast friend.”

Mark at the Armed Forces Day parade “That’s called a bi-plane because it has two wings.” Claire “Dad, all planes have two wings.”

June 2012

Audrey “I’m just glad it will be summer. The season with the most possibilities.”

Claire “These cherries are in the mood for me.”

Claire “My armpits are really itching in the morning.”

Claire “What!? That’s humoungable.” (some version of the word huge)

Claire after burping in the middle of a laugh “That was a bur-lap.”

Audrey “chapstick” instead of “chopstick”

July 2012

Claire hiking in Yosemite “This is fun, but wouldn’t it be more fun if we could just turn around right here?”

August 2012

Aug 1 Claire rides a bike!

Audrey “A second armpit.” (elbow)

Aug. 17 Claire swims across the pool

September 2012

Claire “I can gurgle.” (gargle)

Claire went to bed in a tutu

Claire on the third day of kindergarten “Have you ever heard of a shape called a trapezoid?”

Audrey as we drove down the street “Was that a half-girl/half-dog I just saw?”

Claire “My thumb toe and my pinky toe.”

Claire “You know what’s nice about curly hair? The tangles don’t show up that good.”

Claire “Bye, don’t do anything fun without us.”

Audrey at breakfast “Goodbye, waffle.”

October 2012

Audrey “That doesn’t look like a haunted house; it looks like an awesome mansion.”

November 2012

Audrey “I am part chatterbox. I could probably talk to a brick wall, but I’d be a little uncomfortable.”

Claire “Sometimes, right after I clean my whole room, I forget where everything is.”

Nov. 26 Audrey gets her glasses

Audrey “My favorite sport is talking.”

Claire after getting dressed “Look how pink I am!” 
December 2012 
Audrey “Today’s spelling words were ‘dead’ and ‘death.’ Isn’t that weird? They won’t even let us make paper airplanes.

January 2013

Claire “Great idea, me”

Audrey “Can I have a cheese stick so I can survive?”