Happy birthday, Claire

Claire is 5! It's almost the end of an era for our family. Eight years ago we had Audrey and now here we are with two kids who speak fluently, are totally potty trained, can get their own snacks and make a sandwich if needed, and this fall, will both be in school all day. I can't say it went fast, but it seems fast now that it's nearly over.




That's not to say the fun and challenges are over, just that stage where babies and preschoolers determine the agenda both day and night. I am excited for this new phase of life and still nostalgic for the baby years, but it's all good.




Claire is just a wonderful, intelligent, generous, and loving sweetheart. She hugs and kisses us 20 times a day. She is so sensitive to everyone's feelings and expresses her love and support liberally. She's easygoing, can entertain herself happily, and adapts to changes quickly. She has a tender heart and cries bitterly if she gets in trouble, but that is a rare occasion.

Claire loves her fruit and veggies, but enjoys a good meatball, too. She's an epic snacker, always going for the yogurt, pretzels, apples, crackers and any other good munchie. She sleeps well - 8 pm to 7 am these days. She goes to preschool two days a week and looks forward to Tuesdays and Thursdays with her classmates, teacher, chapel, sharing and play time. We had her parent teacher conference the other day and Mrs. Dewart says Claire is right up to speed on her shapes, colors, scissor technique, and almost all her letters. She is kind and friendly to everyone, doesn't let anybody push her around and regularly makes her teacher laugh.




Claire dresses herself and sometimes she looks like a fashion plate, sometimes she looks like a ragamuffin, but she's always cute. She's made good friends with the staff at Trader Joe's and they all know her name. She just finished a ballet class and an art class that she really loved. Claire enjoys the park and the beach and really likes her TV time. She loves to play with her sister.





Claire is my little satellite - wherever I am she is too. The store, the bank, the garden, even the dentist's office. I think she gets a little bored, but it seems everywhere we go there are suckers, treats, stickers or prizes to be had, and she makes the most of it. I think it's going to be strange when she is in school and I do all my errands alone.



She's often singing, making up strange little tunes with strange little words and the songs last at least 10 minutes. Claire has grown quite a few inches and her curly hair is down to the middle of her back when it's wet. She seems to have come into her own physically - she skips everywhere, runs pretty fast and is just about as fearless as Audrey when it comes to climbing and jumping. Lately, she is making towers out of the cushions and diving across the couch. I have to remind her that the arm of the couch is not quite as soft as the rest of it.

Claire is hilarious - a couple of weeks ago she got mad about some injustice done her and shut herself in her room. She used some post-its to draw a grouchy face and some angry scribbles and put them on her door to tell us how she felt. She a ball even when she's ticked off. You have to keep an eye on Claire, because she can be a little sneaky sometimes taking crayons to her room and decorating her furniture with cute stripes. She's also a little unpredicatable so I tell the babysitters to be aware of Claire - you never really know what she is going to do next.





Every night for the past few years Claire ends our bedtime ritual by blowing 50 kisses and saying "Check on me lots of times and remember the rules!" I'm not sure what the rules are, but I think it's just the one rule: to check on her lots of times. I do check on her several times before I go to bed and not just because she's asked me to. I go in to close her window and put her blankets back on top of her; sometimes she sets her bedtime music on repeat so I turn it off or it will play all night; she falls asleep with 10 books in her bed and I move them out of the way so she doesn't have to sleep on them. And I just love to look at her sweet little face so relaxed. I love her chubby cheeks and pouty lips, and I love to touch her little hands and be glad she is still small.




Claire told one of our Trader Joe's friends about her birthday and she asked how old Claire would be. Claire answered: "5." and Justine said "Wow, you're getting old!" and Claire said "Well, it's not like I'm turning 65!"

She's a bundle of joy and fun and love. Happy birthday, Claire.

The day Claire was born

One thing I never got around to doing for either of my children was writing down their birth stories. But when you have emergency deliveries with life-threatening complications and babies who stay in the hospital for weeks after they are born it's hard to tell where the birth story begins and ends - wherever you start or stop it's a long story to tell. Audrey was 8 weeks premature and Claire was 6 weeks premature. What a difference two weeks makes. Claire weighed 2 pounds more than Audrey did and stayed in the hospital only 2 and a half weeks compared to Audrey's 6.

All day long on March 21 I felt this nagging pressure all around my midsection. I told myself it was gas, but worried that it was one of the signs of pre-eclampsia. I toughed it out until Mark came home from work. We got Audrey to bed and at midnight I realized I was in too much pain to sleep. So I called the labor and delivery desk at the hospital and asked them what I should do. The nurse was very patient with me and listened to a brief history of my last delivery. When I said I wasn't sure what to do she said something like "Well, it's the middle of the night and you are on the phone with me so something's not right - you should come in and let us check you." Always trying to be the superhero, I insisted I could drive myself to the hospital so Mark could stay home with Audrey. There wasn't anybody I was comfortable calling at that hour and I didn't want her to have to go to the hospital with us.

Once I got there they checked me in and checked me out. My blood pressure was fine, but I was having contractions. They asked me if I was feeling them and I said no - but I had no idea what they were supposed to feel like because I never experienced any with Audrey. They gave me magnesium to stop the contractions. I was devastated because it was the same drug they'd given me to lower my blood pressure with Audrey and it seemed like a really bad sign. I had a strong feeling I would not be going home still pregnant. They got me settled and gave me some pain medicine and around 4 AM I went to sleep.

It's a blur anymore, and I'm leaving out a million details I do remember, but the next day started out with false hope that I might be going home. Then as the hours passed my blood pressure got higher and higher until my doctor said it was time to deliver. I felt like a complete failure, again, that I could not give my baby a safe place to grow to term. The nurses were very sweet and told me how smart I was, how good it was that I'd listened to my instincts and come in before things got really bad. Part of me wondered if I'd just stayed at home maybe none of this would be happening.

Around 4 PM we went in for the c-section. Mark was next to me, and I laid there looking at the blue sheet waiting for my baby. It's fuzzy. She was delivered and taken aside to be weighed and measured. She was crying, and I knew that was good. Finally they wrapped her up and brought her to me. She was working really hard to breath - gasping and choking - and I felt devastated again seeing that she was struggling and I told the nurse to just take her - take her away and take care of her.

Claire the night she was born.

I did not see her again until the next day. I went to the NICU and held her with all her tubes and wires and felt the terror and anguish I'd experienced with Audrey wash over me like a flood. I could hardly bear to look at her. I loved her so much, but to go through it all again was difficult. Fortunately, she was very healthy and had no issues besides learning to suck and gaining weight and strength to eat without help.

There were many hard days from there and it wasn't until about 3 months later that I started to feel like I might be allright. I left the hospital after 4 days and came home without a baby again, only this time I understood why I felt crazy - besides the hormones and the pain - I wanted Claire so badly I could hardly think. The only time I felt OK was when I was with her. I knew she was mine in a way I had not been able to experience when Audrey was born, when I was not allowed to touch her without permission; when my complete lack of experience as a mother made me hold back and mistake my own feelings. Fortunately, Claire was home before the NICU became a routine.

She came home and I was still depressed for many weeks, but I always felt good when I held her. I was not well, but I knew I knew what to do - I knew I could meet her needs and that was a huge comfort - knowing how to be a mother. In many ways, having a second premature baby healed me from the first time. It's still hard to look back on, but now I can look back with more understanding and kindness toward myself for what I experienced. I know worse things can happen, but that does not change the fact that I did not have an easy time delivering either of my children. Claire has continued to be a light in my life. When Audrey was still tiny I knew I wanted another child - despite the trauma we experienced, I knew I would do it again. It was scary to take that risk, but it was nothing compared to what I gained.

I hesitate to write these things because people are so quick to think I should just get over it and they seem surprised that with two healthy children I am still talking about how hard it was to get them here. But 5 years really isn't that much time to process an experience like ours. I don't dwell on it in an abnormal way, but it's a part of me.

So, the day Claire was born was a great day - not an easy day, but a great one. And every day since I have looked at her - at both of them - and felt so grateful.

5 years ago today...

...I was 33 weeks pregnant with Claire - but we were days away and didn't have a clue. We took a few pictures to show how small I was - not for bragging, but for proof - I really did throw up everything I ate from 6 weeks on.





Audrey was still an only child - the center of all our attention 24 hours a day. She went to the zoo, to Disneyland, to the park, played with her mom, dad and Nanie, and never had to share her toys.














A few days later, Claire would take us all by surprise and change our lives forever. She made everything that was already good a hundred times better.